The Best Daugher you Never Had.
by xShocked
Summary: On the verge of a mental breakdown, Gaz's 'Mind' starts making up its own mind about things. Short and to the Point. Much Angst. R/R.


A/N- Okay. This is one of my more depressing pieces. It basically shows the amount of damage   
your own self can inflict on you. I was watching the news and they were talking about the   
amount of suicide is the most caused by others. Only a very little percentage was actually   
caused by self-sacrifices and stuff. So I decided to write a story about what it's really like   
for people that don't have a choice when their minds talk to them. And Gaz was the perfect   
target.  
  
If you don't like outright depression or quite a bit of cussing then please just leave now   
instead of reading and getting offended. These kind of flames will only be used to cook my   
weenie roast.  
-Ruri  
  
P.S- Free Weenies for everyone that reviews!  
P.P.S- To hell with just reviewers! Free Weenies for everyone! Though it would be nice to have   
a review or 2...*Puppy eyes*  
  
DISCLAIMER- Yeah Yeah You know the drill. I don't own Gaz, or any other characters from Zim in   
this story. They all belong to the Marvelous Jhonen Vasquez. I bow to his mighty....mightyness!  
  
  
THE BEST DAUGHTER YOU NEVER HAD  
  
  
Gazaneya Membrane stepped quietly into the doorway of her urban home. Silently she slid off her   
thick black overcoat, removed her wet black boots and neatly hung her scarf on the hook by the   
door. Her arms threaded silently over her chest as she crept tentatively into the house.  
  
It all seemed alien to her. A house she had lived in her whole life seemed nothing but a   
mystery wrapped in an enigma, a place so unfamiliar and uninviting to her eyes. A place she   
wasn't welcome, nor that she belonged in at all. Everything seemed like that to her. Even   
herself.   
  
"They fucking forgot" her voice rung, defeated and dejected, through the empty house. Her grip   
on herself tightening slightly as she felt her stomach lurch. Her face showed no sign of   
anything at all, as if her very soul had been sucked from her body and all that was left of her   
was the mere shell of her former life, damned to wander the earth until it slowly and quietly   
rotted away.  
  
*Yes, they did* The stray voice that haunted her head whispered to her, the back of Gaz'   
neck pricked with a chilling sensation, though she tried to ignore the voice.  
  
"Just like last year" her gaze fell to the floor, picking out a scrap of Dib's notebook paper   
and gazing hard at it, willing for it to blow up in one large and fast explosion and for   
everything to be done with. Yet as she suspected, it did not happen. She turned her gaze up   
once more to stare out of an open window. Raining.  
  
"And the year before that"a bitter tear slid down her cheek, though she did not brush it away,   
rather let it go about it's lonely path and silently settle on the tip of her chin.  
  
*What's that say about them Gaz?, they don't love you and you know it*  
  
"Shut up Mind. You're lying. They just forgot...They're busy, that's all" she whispered,   
reeking of self-reassurance as she wiped the tear from her face, trying desperately to keep   
herself reassured.  
  
*Whatever you say, Gaz. You'll see my way soon enough*  
  
Ignoring the voice she slid silently into the couch, tucking her legs as far up to her chest as   
her limbs would allow her. Her hands slid around her knees, hugging them tightly to her chest.   
Sunken into the couch in that stance, Gaz almost smiled as she reminded herself of a small child.  
Lost and alone and willing to be hugged just one last time.  
  
*You know, your knees probably love you more than anyone else ever has* the voice   
whispered fondly to her, a bemused tone filling the haunting sound of her own voice inside her   
head.  
  
"Oh shut up, you little piece of shit"  
  
*No need to talk to yourself like that, Gaz.*  
  
Thinking silently about what Mind had just told her she recalled at the back of her head that   
this was the only thing she had hugged for so long. Herself. She came to the realisation that   
herself was the only thing she had really touched since before she could remember. Human   
contact had never come easily for her since her mother had died.  
  
*Yes, it all went with your mother, didn't it*  
  
Her stomach lurched at just the thought of her mother. The thought of all the love she had had   
for the then tiny and pink-bowed toddler. It was so long ago she had died, so long ago Gaz   
couldn't remember or recall what she looked like exactly, or how her voice sounded when she   
spoke, or hardly anything at all about her.   
  
Dib could always remember her, he had been just old enough to remember all the little things   
the world took for granted, but she was way to young to remember that horrible night that her   
mother had died.   
  
The horrible night she had spent on her fathers knee, nestled into his chest in a cramped white   
hospital waiting-room, unaware of why her brother and father looked so concerned and upset.   
The toddler was so unaware that her mother was behind one of those thin walls that smelled of   
bandages and death, slowly but surely dying. If only she had known. If only her mother had   
held on just a little longer, long enough for Gaz to be able to register that fact. Maybe she   
would have been able to say goodbye one last time.....  
  
*You miss her more than anything you'll ever know...*  
  
"Mom..."  
  
*She was the only person that loved you. But too bad. She's as dead as a doorknob now*  
  
She flared with anger and hit the side of her head dully with the palm of her hand. The voice   
grew silent and she sunk back into her mind, contemplating...  
  
She peered silently out of an open window, tears distorting her view slightly. Raining.   
Pouring down. The world seemed to be drenching in its own tears, drowning its sorrows and in   
the process drowning all. Perhaps it felt like she did. Lost and alone and scared of the past.  
..and of its future. Scared to death of knowing what would follow, of knowing that life would   
go on...even if in its head it would not.  
  
*It's such a dreary thing, Gaz, isn't it? Life, I mean. With no one that really cares, who   
are you going to turn to? it's not like you have any friends. I'm the only person you talk to   
and I'm you. I only exist inside your head, Gaz. What do you want to do with a life like   
yours. Your only joy is gone. Your father. He's gone and there's no way you'll ever get him   
back. He left you...*  
  
"Fuck you..."  
  
She tore her gaze away from the rain-soaked window, settling it once more on her knees,   
contemplating with a mind full of shadows and regret.  
  
*You'll realise that they don't love you, Gaz. All in a matter of time*  
  
"F-Fuck Off!"  
  
**  
  
They hadn't remembered this morning. Neither of them. For the fourth consecutive year they had   
failed to remember the one day that stood her apart from them. The one day where she could at   
least feel a remote need to celebrate. Her fifteenth birthday. She wiped a tear furiously   
from her cheek and abandoned the little hope she had left for anything in this world.  
  
"You know...I can only stand so much dad" she whispered to her knees, watching as her spilling   
tears stained the fabric around them.  
  
*That's right. Only so much*  
  
"You seem happy when I'm not around. More time with Dib perhaps?...the wonders of science?.   
You know I really tried. I tried to make you proud of me, I really...really did. But-" Her   
voice lowered and succombed to a low morn deep from the back of her throat.  
  
*But it wasn't good enough. You're not Dib*  
  
"I can see that didn't work out" a bitter tear found its stray path along her pale cheek.  
  
*And it never will. Give up now Gaz, don't put yourself through hell being so abandoned and   
unloved. You let him down. Put him out of his misery*  
  
"So what's the next best thing, Dad?. What's the next best thing? For me to have never   
existed at all? Is Mind right? for me to just vanish and for your life to be unburdened of the   
problem child. Is that what you want? is that it?" Gaz spat bitterly, her leg flying out and   
connecting with the coffee table in a random bout of sudden anger. She observed dully as Dib's   
UFO magazines went flying, while she quietly reserved back to her original position, resting her   
chin on her knees.  
  
"Maybe that really is what you want..."  
  
*Oh it is, Gaz. It is. Put yourself out of this. He doesn't want you, you let him down*  
  
"I let dad down"  
  
*Yes...*  
  
She stood silently from her rather retreated position, wiping the tears from her flushed cheeks.   
Making her way to a wall she caught sight of hanging pictures, ones she had hung herself only a   
year ago.   
  
*Take a look. See how much they really care...*  
  
She stopped, adjusting her blurry eyes and taking a closer look. All of the photos were of her   
family. Her supposed family. As she looked closer she saw her brother and her father, smiling,   
acting like best friends. They had become so much closer since Dib had taken in 'real' science   
as well as his own Paranormal Studies.  
  
*Look at you. Look at how miserable you are*  
  
She searched for her own face. In many a picture there was not a smile to be found. Many she   
was blocked by an intrusive arm or stray elbow. In the majority of them she was not there at   
all.  
  
She reached out her fingers longingly to the one photo of just her father and herself, his arm   
wrapped over her shoulder stiffly. A solemn expression on both of their faces. They both   
seemed so solemn, so serious around eachother. Neither looked like they were ever able to   
smile again.  
  
*You let him down, Gaz*  
  
A tear found its way down her already damp cheek.  
  
"I remember that day dad. You were angry at me because I didn't take science as one of my main   
electives" her voice faultered as she once more crossed her arms over her chest, hugging   
herself close. Eyes remained locked on the picture before her.  
  
*And why didn't you? Because Science is your worst subject. Unlike Dib. He's such a high   
achiever. And what are you? You were all the shit leftover in your mom's womb from when she   
had Dib, that's what you are* Gaz tried with all the courage she had left not to talk to   
Mind. Or to listen to her in any way.  
  
"The week before that you told me I was the best daughter you ever had....because of some   
science assignment. But I failed you, didn't I?. Dib's too smart for me. I'm the fucking   
reject of this family and we all know it. Best daughter you ever had" she scoffed slightly,   
nevertheless her eyes became slightly fogged with a thin sheen of tears.  
  
*He was lying. You're more like best daughter he never had*  
  
She tore her eyes from the photograph, finding it caused too many a painful memory to bubble to   
her surface. It was there, holding tightly to herself that she realised that no matter what   
she was to do, she would always let her father down. She'd let him down by not being smart,   
not being a boy, not being any good at science, not being happy, not being perfect, not being   
anything but herself. But most of all. Not being Dib.   
  
"I'm me" she muttered, succombing to a slight choking sob in the back of her throat, dropping   
to her knees and grasping the carpet for comfort.   
  
*And that's the point, Gaz. You are you. Your father doesn't want you. He doesn't love   
you. He loves Dib. You're you*  
  
"I can't be Dib! I'm me! I'M ME!"  
  
*That's not good enough. You let him down by being you, Gaz. For being the leftover shit.   
The shadow behind the genious. You let him down by not being perfect, like your brother. An   
underscore to the Membrane name. You let him down in every way. You're so ugly when you were   
born he started crying. And what does he think of you now, Gaz?. Exactly the same thing. Can   
you live with yourself knowing that?*  
  
"fuck you, fuck you FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, her voice   
hoarse and her throat dry with the dust of misery. Tears streamed freely like a broken dam.   
She could not take the strain of this. She knew Mind was right. Somewhere in her heart she   
knew. And she couldn't live with that.  
  
*You know what you have to do, Gaz*  
  
"No no no NO NO NO NO! NO! NONONONONONO!"  
  
*Yes, Gaz. A kitchen knife will do just fine, but make sure you don't stain the carpet with   
your blood. You wouldn't want your father having to clear that up now, would you?*  
  
"Daddy loves me! My daddy loves me!" she cried, sobs now racking her frame as she buried her   
face in her hands. Mental breakdown was slowly impending apon her.  
  
*Your daddy's long gone and you know it. Your dad doesn't love you. Why don't you just   
accept that fact. Don't be unreasonable. If you love your dad, put him out of his pain.   
Kill yourself for Daddy*  
  
"But.."  
  
*Do it, Gaz. Don't disappoint him a moment longer. Be the best daughter he never had*  
  
"The best Daughter.....you never had. I love you dad. I hope this'll make up for it"  
  
  
*********************  
  
  
  
  
  
Dear Dad,  
  
I think you know what this is about. Though I'd not be surprised if you didn't, or if you   
didn't care at all.....after all, I let you down, dad. I can't begin to apologise to you for   
being myself, for not being Dib.  
  
I'm sorry for being such an underscore to the Membrane name. I'm sorry for letting you down   
dad. For not being a scientist. For not being just like Dib. I let you down. I'm sorry for   
even being born at all. I'm sorry for making you cry when I was born. I'm so sorry.  
  
But don't worry dad, your perils of having to put up with me are almost over. By the time you   
read this I will be dead. I can just see the vague smile on your face as you realise your   
problem child is gone, all your disappointments are gone. You won't have to look at my face   
every morning now. And plenty of time to get closer to Dib.  
  
You'll find my body in my room, the bed would probably be a good place to look. The door will   
be locked but you'll easily find a way to open it. If you want to open it. I don't want to   
ruin the expensive carpet dad, you paid so much for that, so I'll try to keep the mess minimal.   
I'm so sorry if the stuff splatters . I'll even lie face down for you, so you won't have to see  
my face.   
  
But I just want you know, dad. I really tried to make you proud of me. I tried to be like Dib,   
and I tried to do something...anything...to make you smile, to make you pat me on the head and   
just utter the words 'I'm proud of You, Gaz'. But now I know, you never will. You'll never   
say those words. You'll never see me as anything more than a let-down of a child. But don't   
worry dad. It's all over now.  
  
Bury me someplace quiet, away from the bustle of the city and the noise of common living.   
Don't give me a funeral, I don't deserve it, just tell everyone I'm dead. Bandage the cuts on   
my wrists and my hands and leave me in the clothes I am wearing. I don't deserve nice clothes.   
Don't make me look pretty, I'd rather look naturally dead. And most importantly, once I'm gone,   
don't remember me. Forget all that relates to me and makes you so disappointed.   
  
Know that your nightmares are over. I'm gone.  
  
I'm so sorry for all the troubles I've ever caused you, Daddy. I love you. I love you so much.   
I'm just sorry you never loved me back.  
  
  
Love the daughter you never had,  
Gaz.  
  
*******************  
  
  
A/N- I know it was kind of Brief. I'm hoping to write a second chapter, a letter buried with  
her from her father. Hmm.. Anyway, please Review, it'd make my life a whole lot easier.  
  
-Ruri 


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